


All My Hope Is Pinned On You

by star_wars_hell



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2018-10-26 18:19:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10792116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_wars_hell/pseuds/star_wars_hell
Summary: This is my re-write of DEH where it's not as depressing. Connor and Evan were actually friends or maybe something more. I tried to stay somewhat close to the plot. Lots of reference to the script of the play.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why, because even if Connor has been ignoring you for the last month, today is the first day of school and if he even cares enough to show up you’ll be able to finally talk to him…. You, are going to go up and talk to him you’re not going to freak out like that time you saw him at the park and had the perfect chance to go up and talk to him and ask him why he’s been ignoring you since the kiss and you were going to pretend to be super casual like “Hey what’s up haven’t talked in awhile?” but you didn’t end up saying anything to him because you were scared your hands were sweaty which they weren’t until you started worrying that they were sweaty which made them sweaty so you ran to the restroom to dry them under the hand dryer but they were still sweaty they were just warm now as well.

* * *

 

Evan shut his laptop, time to face the day. He was already packed and ready for his first day of the new year, or least physically ready. Emotionally and mentally, no. Today was the day he would try to talk to Connor and try to not worry about his sweaty, not sweaty hands, and just talk to him. Then as he was trying to think about not worrying about his hands being sweaty later when he was going to talk to Connor he started worrying that they were sweaty now. Which was not a good start but then before Evan could worry anymore his mom, Heidi, walked in. 

“So you just decided not to eat last night?” She stood there holding the money she had left for you to order pizza with. She didn’t look mad exactly, she looked more disappointed and a little worried. 

“I wasn’t hungry” Even tried to blame his not using the money on other reasons, but they both knew the truth.

“You’re a senior in highschool you need to learn to order dinner for yourself while I’m at work. You can do it all online now. You don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone, I know you don’t like the phone.” Try as she might, to sound optimistic about being able to order online now, to Evan it just sounded like she was mocking him about being anxious over the phone. 

“ Yeah but you see that’s true actually, you have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door” He knew it sounded stupid but he couldn’t help but get upset about little things like this, “and then they have to make change and you have to stand there while it’s silent and they’re counting the change…” and before he could ramble any further his mom cut him off

“You see this is what you're supposed to be working on, Evan. Talking, to people, engaging with people not running away from people.”

“You’re right. I’m gonna be a lot better.” Evan tried to sound calm but came off defensive. 

“I know, I know you are that’s why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up after school.”

“ I already have an appointment next week”

“Well, I thought you could use something a little bit sooner. Hey! Have you been writing those letters to yourself ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why…’”

“I started one”

“Those letters are important, honey. They're gonna help you build your confidence. ”

“I guess. ”

“Can we try to have an optimistic outlook, huh? Can we buck up just enough to see the world won't fall apart? Maybe this year, we decide We're not giving up before we've tried This year, we make a new start. Hey! I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast. How 'bout that?” That was usual Heidi, trying to make the best out of everything. 

“Perfect.” Evan really wasn’t looking forward to it but if his mom really wanted it he guesses he could try.

“I'm proud of you already.” 

“Oh, good…”

Hedi knew that she didn’t always give the best advice and Evan knew that even when she failed she tried her best. It had just been his mom and him since his dad left when he was seven. Heidi tried her best to be both mom and dad and even though she came up short a lot, she did what she could. 

As Evan eats his breakfast and waits to go out the door Connor and his family are eating breakfast and arguing as always. 

“It's your senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day. ” Cynthia, Connor’s mom has had to deal with her normally hard to deal with son being even more irritable in  last month and a half than ever before and now he’s refusing to go to school which isn’t new by any means but is just another thing on top of the things she already has to deal with

“I already said I'd go tomorrow. ” Connor replied bored eating his cereal. 

“He doesn't listen. Look at him, he's probably high. ” His dad, Larry interjected gesturing towards the boy 

“He's definitely high. ” Connor’s sister added 

“I don't want you going to school high, Connor. ”

“Perfect, so then I won't go. Thanks, Mom!” Connor was hoping being high would be a good enough excuse for not going to school. He was not prepared to have to deal with it today. He wasn’t prepared for the stupid kids making fun of him for being the druggie kid and he definitely wasn’t ready to talk to Evan. He’s been ignoring him since they kissed and since Evan broke his arm. Connor’s family continued to bicker though the morning until Zoe decided to leave.

“If Connor's not ready, I'm leaving without him. ” 

Cynthia looked Connor is the eye “You’re going.”

“Fine” Connor grabbed his bag and got in the car not like he actually was going to class anyway.

Evan walked in the school building and is immediately approached by some girl he didn’t know who tried to start a conversation with him, as usual, he failed at making one sentence make sense and walked on. Then he ran into Jared, Jared is the only person he would consider himself “friends” with although Jared is very adamant that the only reason he talks to him is so his parents pay his car insurance. As Jared makes fun of him for breaking his arm, Evan spots Connor in the hall. His heart jumps into his throat and he completely ignores whatever taunting statement Jared was currently making. Since they last saw each other Connor’s hair had grown out. It looked nice, Evan smiled, stuck in the fantasy of what it would feel like to run his fingers through that hair. He was soon pulled out of his fantasy when he realized Jared saw Connor too. 

“Hey, Connor! Nice hair length very school shooter chic.” Evan immediately knew that was a comment that Connor was going to like and took a step back “I was just kidding.It was a joke” Jared said still laughing at Connor. 

“Yeah I know I’m laughing can’t you tell,” Connor said with a straight face. Evan could tell he was pissed. “I’m I not laughing hard enough for you.” Connor stepped closer to Jared. 

“You’re such a freak” Jared walked away leaving just Connor and Evan. Connor opened his mouth to apologize to Connor for how Jared was acting but before he could speak Connor spoke.

“I bet you thought that was real funny. I don’t talk to you for a month and you’re already siding with them.”

“No, no Connor. I-I’m sorry for Jared I barely know him.”

“You were just talking weren’t you.”

“Yeah well kinda I mean he was doing most of the talking I was trying to think how to talk to you.”

“Whatever Evan.” Connor started to walk away. Evan grabbed his arm. 

“ Wait! I want to talk. I- want to talk about the ki-”

“Let go of me! I’m not your friend and I don’t want talk.” He shoved Evan to the ground and walked away.

Zoe saw the yelling and shoving from down the hall and went to help Evan up. “Hey, I’m sorry about my brother I saw him shove you. He can be a real asshole sometimes.”

“No we were just talking and I tripped.”

“Whatever”

Evan stood there and leaned against the wall class was starting soon so he started walking. He somehow made it through the day without having any major panic attacks. But when he went outside his mom wasn’t there. He walked back in and called. “Hey Mom”

“Hey Evan I know I was supposed to pick you up and take you to your appointment but I'm stuck at work one of the other nurses called out sick and I'm the only one who could pick up her shift. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine”

“Also go ahead and eat without me I’m going straight from here to class. We’ve got those dumplings in the freezer.”

“Maybe…”

“Hey did you write one of those letters today.”

“Yeah, no I already finished it. I’m in the computer lab right now printing it out.”

“I hope it was a good day honey.”

“Yeah, it was it was great 

“Great, great I hope it’s the start of a great year we both could use one of those. Hey look I gotta go I Love you”

“Love you too.”

Evan hung up the phone and headed to the computer lab to write his letter.

* * *

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all, um this isn’t going to be an amazing week or amazing year, cause, cause why would it be. Oh I know cause there’s you and all my hope is pinned on you who I won’t even talk to because… because I’m scared that... , but you know maybe maybe if I did. maybe if I could just talk to you then maybe... nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone I mean face it would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow 

        Sincerely your best and dearest friend,           

me  

* * *

 

Evan was too scared to write Connor’s name so he just replaced all mentions of his name with you, and hit print. He was stood up to grab his letter from the printer when he was confronted by Connor. “Hey, Evan I'm sorry about earlier.”

“Hey, Connor. I didn’t realize you were here.”

“Hey, I never did get to sign your cast. Do you have a sharpie.”

“Um yeah..” Evan handed Connor he sharpie his mom had given him that morning and Connor wrote his name large across the cast. Evan smiled and looked down at the name written across his arm “CONNER” it was like Connor was claiming him his. 

“Oh I found this on the printer and it doesn’t make sense cause you said you didn’t know I was here. Yet you left this out for me didn’t you!” Evan’s heart dropped.

“No. I swear I didn’t know you were here My therapist had me write this thing and I need it.”

“Evan I told you already I'm not gay and I don’t like you. So just leave me alone.”

“Connor!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for this chapter attempted suicide, not super graphic but still that is mostly what this chapter is about so be warned.  
> also mention of drugs and alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it had taken me so long to continue this. I had a lot of personal thing going on when I wrote this and then it just went on the back burner as I tried to move on with things. but now I have the book version of the script so yay! So again so sorry.

Evan tried not to think about what Connor had said, in fact Evan tried not to think at all. After getting home and doing whatever homework he had he immediately went to bed not wanting to have to face what happened. When he woke up he got ready to go to school when his mom would ask him question he would either nod or give a one word answer. Heidi realized he wasn't feeling well and tried not to pressure him into much.

Right as Evan sat down in class... Over the loud speaker "Evan Hansen To Mr. Howard's Office"

That is when Evan began to panic what had he done, he didn't think he had done anything, he he done something? Evan tried to calm down as he walked to the office but when he got there Mr. Howard wasn't there in his place were a sad, stressed looking couple, a blonde woman wearing an expensive looking blouse and a man wearing a polo and khakis.

"Evan... Evan Hansen" the woman spoke, her voice sounded scratchy as if it was stressed from crying. "Um... yeah that's me." Evan squeaked out, very confused and concerned at the situation.

The man cleared his voice, "Evan we want to talk to you about Connor. " his voice sounded monotone as if what was bothering his wife didn't even phase him.

"C-Connor What's wro- Has something happened" Evan's mind was spinning he was in the principle's office with who he assumed was Connor's parents and Connor's mom was in tears how did they even know about what had happened over the summer. Did Connor tell them.

"Evan I'm Cynthia, Connor's mom I'm sorry to tell you this but last night Connor... Connor tried to- to um " She broke down into tears.

"He tried to kill himself Evan he overdosed and all that was with him was this" Connor's dad handed Evan a piece of paper.

It was Evan's note, did they think this was Connor's suicide note? Then that means that they think Connor loves him or at least likes him a lot and at this point Evan didn't know if Connor even tolerated him.

"Um- is he okay? I mean can I see him is he-"

Cynthia interrupted "He's fine, for now. He's on mandatory 72 hour watch but he can take family visitors, although I'm sure the doctors can make an exception, i mean according to this Connor cares about you very much."

Evan didn't have it in him to correct her about the letter or how Connor felt about him, because one, he didn't know how Connor felt about him and two, he needed to see Connor.

"I don't have a car can you guys take me to see him?" Evan felt weird to ask but at this point all that mattered was getting to the hospital.

"Sure Hun, I'm sure you're really worried about him" Cynthia smiled at him

* * *

"He's right in there Evan we'll leave you two alone to talk okay?" 

"Thanks Mrs. Murphy." Evan stood in front of the door. Was he ready to face Connor, Would Connor just want him there? There was only one way to find out.

Evan opened the door to a very tired looking Connor, He barely looked like himself connected to IVs and in a loose gown that looked about three times too big on Connor's skinny frame.

"Evan?" The look on Connor's face was a mix of pain, guilt, and something that could be glad that Evan was there.

"Hey Connor..."

"Evan I-'

Evan walked up to the side of Connor's bed. 

Evan got the guts to speak. "Why didn't you tell the letter wasn't yours, why did you let them think you loved me when you can't stand me?"

"Oh Evan... I'm so sorry" Connor looked like he was about to cry.

"Sorry for what Connor? You're the one in the hospital bed."

"I'm sorry I made you think I hate you, I'm sorry I stopped talking to you after what happened at the orchard. I'm sorry that you care about me, I'm sorry I'm a mess who only knows how to fuck up everything. "

Evan was stunned, Connor actually cared about him.

"Connor you didn't 'Fuck this up' I'm here aren't I. Look Connor I never liked you cause I thought you were perfect. I like you cause you are funny and smarter then you think and actually really hot. I like you cause you were the only person who treated me like a person and like some other thing because I acted a little different. Connor not matter what you think I still liked you and maybe even more."

'Evan I- don't know what to say."

"Then we don't have to speak." Evan sat down in the chair next to Connor and put his hand in his and lied his head on the side of the hospital bed. They didn't need to talk now they could talk later all that mattered was that Connor was alive. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to get this next chapter out a lot sooner than the last one. Sorry if this chapter was all over the place one of my animals got hurt today and could have died so I'm a little on the wire. He's fine now though so that's all that matters


End file.
